I got emotionally involved again. I should know by now that being emotionally involved is a bad thing because each time I fall for someone I get burned. This time it was partly my fault...I gave mixed signals....when I shouldn't have. My life has been pretty complicated...I've gotten myself over my head with feelings, stress, etc. When life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade right?....it's kind of hard when you're out of sugar. Well I am beginning to run out off that sweet side excuse for these situations. I kind of screwed up with some so sweet who has only done good to me. I guess sometimes I can be a kind of a fuck up. I don't need anything right now...but I want someone...Nevertheless I made a vow to stay single until college. Well that's a challeenge enought itself. Everyday it's hard to not break down in tears. Everyday I'm reminded of the thing i don't have.
I am still struggling with the virginity factor....but I've learned.
I've accepted that Niko and I will never be again.
I've learned to love myself as an individual.
...
But....when you fall for someone and it doesn't work out....it's kind of hard to look back on the bright side.
In this case, it was for my ex Tyler Rhodes. We'd only been talking for a couple of weeks again...and I was reminded of why I had fallen for him in the first place. I messed up though....I told him I wasn't interested because at that time I thought I wasn't....But when you're put in the situation of where you could lose him...that's when everything comes back rushing to you. He was supposed to go to Iraq...for a week I cried for him while at the same time being so angry at him for leaving.
Well tonight he got the call that he couldn't go because of his messed up knee. For the first time saw him cry. I felt as if he wanted to really go, but he said it was tears of joy because he was happy to not go...but I didn't believe him.
I didn't know what to think of the situation. I mean for a week I cried expecting him to leave and probably not come back, that took a lot out of me this week. So I resorted to crying. He kissed the skype camera...but I told him I couldn't do it back because I didn't feel that way...Then I made the stupid mistake of telling him to move on....which he did....within 5 minutes. Some girl confessed her love for him and now she's at his house. I cried and fought with him over it. Sadly, he made some excellent points towards my behavior. Yet I pointed a few flaws out in him as well. No bueno.
It hurts. I have been non stop crying. He's not even my type of guy physically, but inside of him is a guy that is rare to find...which I fucked up on. I don't want to let him go...I want him to be here with me...in my arms.
...He's texted me a couple of times...but I don't want to look at them. I am afraid to say goodbye.
I hate times like these...but I know that all I can do is pray...just pray for a better tomorrow.
This is my song for Tyler and this situation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aihu16RyYp8&feature=fvsr
