I'm Done....

I got emotionally involved again. I should know by now that being emotionally involved is a bad thing because each time I fall for someone I get burned. This time it was partly my fault...I gave mixed signals....when I shouldn't have. My life has been pretty complicated...I've gotten myself over my head with feelings, stress, etc. When life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade right?....it's kind of hard when you're out of sugar. Well I am beginning to run out off that sweet side excuse for these situations. I kind of screwed up with some so sweet who has only done good to me. I guess sometimes I can be a kind of a fuck up. I don't need anything right now...but I want someone...Nevertheless I made a vow to stay single until college. Well that's a challeenge enought itself. Everyday it's hard to not break down in tears. Everyday I'm reminded of the thing i don't have.

I am still struggling with the virginity factor....but I've learned.

I've accepted that Niko and I will never be again.

I've learned to love myself as an individual.

...

But....when you fall for someone and it doesn't work out....it's kind of hard to look back on the bright side.
In this case, it was for my ex Tyler Rhodes. We'd only been talking for a couple of weeks again...and I was reminded of why I had fallen for him in the first place. I messed up though....I told him I wasn't interested because at that time I thought I wasn't....But when you're put in the situation of where you could lose him...that's when everything comes back rushing to you. He was supposed to go to Iraq...for a week I cried for him while at the same time being so angry at him for leaving.
Well tonight he got the call that he couldn't go because of his messed up knee. For the first time  saw him cry. I felt as if he wanted to really go, but he said it was tears of joy because he was happy to not go...but I didn't believe him.

I didn't know what to think of the situation. I mean for a week I cried expecting him to leave and probably not come back, that took a lot out of me this week. So I resorted to crying. He kissed the skype camera...but I told him I couldn't do it back because I didn't feel that way...Then I made the stupid mistake of telling him to move on....which he did....within 5 minutes. Some girl confessed her love for him and now she's at his house. I cried and fought with him over it. Sadly, he made some excellent points towards my behavior. Yet I pointed a few flaws out in him as well. No bueno.

It hurts. I have been non stop crying. He's not even my type of guy physically, but inside of him is a guy that is rare to find...which I fucked up on. I don't want to let him go...I want him to be here with me...in my arms.

...He's texted me a couple of times...but I don't want to look at them. I am afraid to say goodbye.

I hate times like these...but I know that all I can do is pray...just pray for a better tomorrow.

This is my song for Tyler and this situation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aihu16RyYp8&feature=fvsr

"Arms"

The spot where we met was the spot that started our journey...and the spot where I had to say goodbye to you.

Funny how things seem to zoom by so fast.
I guess thats why I cherish the little things. A note is more meaningful to me then a box of chocolates. A random hug is more valuable to me than a diamond.

I still have the handmade gift that Niko made for me on our one month anniversery. We were such dorks in sophmore year.

It's cute stuff like that that stay stuck in my mind.

*sigh* He's changed though...for the worse. My friends have caught him and his girlfriend doing innappropriate things during passing period...he's also rude to my friends and me. I tried to be cute today and I drew a dinosaur blowing fire at a heart on his paper that I graded...No remark...No "Hey that's cute" "Hey how are you?"

That hug he gave the very first day of school was deceiving. He seemed sooo happy to see me again. I mean the feelings weren't mutual, but still, he didn't act like a prick like he does now.

It's a shame. If I knew he was like this, I would have never dated him. No boy of that attitude deserves a minute of my time.

My girlfriends are so helpful and supportive. Without them I don't know what I would've done. They've shown me the light and have gotten me out of that 8 month slump. God has truely blessed me.

I think I am ready to date again. But God will bring a man into my life when HE knows I'm ready. I guess what they say is true...The best things are WORTH waiting for.

When It Rains It Pours

Today started off pretty damn good. My first day of senoir year at my school. I had the butterflies because I was neglecting to see Niko. When I was waiting for my best friend Heather after 1st period, Niko walked up to me and gave me a big hug saying "We have 6th period together!"
My first thought.."Oh my luck..."
Then later at lunch I saw him and his girlfriend.
Niko ignored me during 6th period, and visa versa. After school of course I see him again with his girlfriend. My freakin luck...but then the next event literally put me in tears...
I lost my phone.
I know....a pathetic reason to cry, but it's not because of my social life, but it's because of all the memories that I have on that phone. I have soooooo many pictures all the way from sophmore to now. Pictures of my nieces, pictures of birthdays and pictures of when I was hit by a car. That is stuff I like to hold onto! Pictures are worth a thousand words...that's why I love to take pictures on my phone since I don't have a camera.

My love life and now my photographic life are basically crap now. Seeing a couple together makes me miss that feeling of having that someone "special".
Don't worry world, boys aren't the number one thing on my mind. It's just sometimes...Maybe I'd like to be that girl that has the boy holding her hand.

*sigh*...What a fairytale world that is. Anyways, today wasn't the best day. I only pray for better days yet to come.

Where art thou Romeo?

I think this is the loneliest week I've had all summer. I don't know why. I just feel by myself. I know I have my friends, but its with the guy part. I guess you can say I miss having that special someone.

I met this guy this week named Daniel. He practically saw right through me. I've never met someone like that before. Usually I can hide so easily...but Daniel, no he basically got to the core of me without actually meeting me in person. I actually cracked and cried...and he really didn't have to say a thing. That has never happened to me before.  I guess I'm more noticable then I thought.
The stupid thing is that he's freakin 25 years old and I just met him on xbox...and I can't get him out of my mind. I feel sooooo stupid. In a week or two, I'm more than sure I will look back at this and think how stupid I was to constantly think about this guy. Once school starts I am sure I will back to normal...I hope.

I like to deny it...But at the end of every day...I'm still praying for my Romeo...
And of course....God has his plan...And I'll be patient...even it kills me.

http://youtu.be/FTWLwCvoA4s

Love Sick

There's always one guy that leaves me weak in my knees...my ex Pierre Digue. Seeing him today made me practically melt. I know we will probably never be together again, but he's always someone that I can say I have ALWAYS been in love with. He is just soooo attractive and his accent is to die for. When he talks, it is like music to my ears. We haven't always got along. Sometimes we get into fights that can last 6 months or longer. He makes decisions in his life that I don't always agree with, and sometimes I feel as if I should be important to him than I am. I know I just have kick myself into reality that he and I are probably never going to be an item again. I try all the time and sometimes it works, but once I hear his voice...I'm back in fairytale land again.

I have no idea what to feel. My friend Ray has sparked interest in me. I just have to take faith in the Lord, and I know he will show me the way.

Just Waiting...

Its strange how people tend to miss the ones that we know we don't need at all. For me, that's my ex Onier. He's a pain in my ass and the only reason why I laugh is because his face is a joke. But for some reason he's completely on my mind....I don't know.

I guess I just miss the feeling of being cherished or even just noticed by a guy. I mean I don't want a relationship at all. I'm still discovering myself and who I am. I don't need a man in my life to do that for me...however...it's just that feeling. I don't need a man in my life to be happy, I guess I just would like one. I mean it'd be nice.

Every girl fantasizes for their dream man....Even I am beginning to fantasize. I don't know, I feel kind of stupid. I guess I am just waiting for the Lord to give me an open door for a fresh start in meeting someone. I know I have to leave it all in His hands.

Vacation of the Year

I had a pretty amazing vacation over the past 4 - 5 days. I got to get to know my friend Alex pretty well. There are things about her I certainly don't like but there are also a lot of good things about her. Her parents are certainly characters. They are people I do like to be around.
I have figured out that I am a city girl. I have fallen in love with the city of San Diego.  The people are amazing and the enviroment is alive which speaks to me.
I had a nightmare with Niko and his new girlfriend in it...It reminded of what I used to be, which scared the hell out of me.

On a slightly lighter note, I guess my ex Onier and I are trying to fix a few kinks that seperated us. It's strange how we always seem to find each other again....It's all in God's hands so I will see where that goes.

Who knows what's in my future.

Blah is the Name.

There isn't much to say to this day's entry, besides I think I might have taken a positive step. My ex and I actually got in touch today via facebook. It went well. Surprisingly I was quite chill with it.

So I might be heading out onto a very awesome vacation starting next Saturday. It will be the first time I actually go on vacation this summer vacation. It will be with my friend Alex. I hope it works out....It'll be nice to venture out of Riverside for a weekend.

My a.d.d. is acting up majorly as I wright all of this out. This song by MGMT is so hypnotizing, it's not helping my a.d.d.

I can't write anymore with this song. I'm calling it a night. =)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlteS0PJqsM&feature=fvst

Summer of Dreams

Every summer is supposed to be a chance to challenge yourself, relax, have fun, and discover a new adventure. So far....My summer has been all of the above. But most of all, it's been a summer of dreaming. It's very common to day dream and dream about what your life will be in the future, or what will happen. Sometimes, I have day dreamed to distract myself from troubles happening on in my life. It's funny that sometimes my thoughts are found to be far from reality.
I have had a long list of things I was going to do this summer: lose 20 lbs, get a job, get a permit, find more of myself, get over a lost love, and have stress free fun...
Sadly only 10% has been completed. The longer I remain single, the more I have been finding myself. I can tell you that when your single and alone, it really gives you time to think.  I struggle sometimes, but so far...I am getting to like myself.
The trouble I have had over the years is that I never took time to get to know myself, I always FELT like I had to have a guy. It wasn't until my one year rollar coaster...That I found myself officially lost in chaos. Being with the wrong person can really blind someone from the treasures that are there for you...
It's been almost 8 months since the the break up. I have certainly gotten stronger. It's sad to think that that break up actually saved me from myself. Well I guess it just goes to show that sometimes pain...is well necessary to find the good things.

The summer is half over and I guess I can say one good thing has happened so far during this summer...I found someone that I didn't know existed. Nevertheless, the journey has only begun.